it figures

About a month or so ago, mommy was ninang to the wedding of her former staff (the bride). The invitation was hand-delivered by the couple themselves and it was I who received it. The groom is unfamiliar although he works in the same agency. But the guy's family name was vaguely familiar. On the day of their wedding, I received an excited call from mommy and her assistant -- the groom happened to be a brother of an old friend of mine, let's call him PB, and someone whom I lost contact with since middle of 2000. And I started asking myself "why did we lose contact?".

Rewind to middle of year 1999....

PB was a close friend of a guy, RL. I started dating RL in May, I thought our relationship was special (RL was my first "boylet" after more than 4 years). PB and RL worked in the same office and PB also lived in RL's house. So they were pretty close. I only hear PB's name in our conversations and there's nothing bad RL could say about him. There were times when I call their office and RL wouldn't be around. And PB would gladly talk to me and ease my boredom. On RL's birthday in October, I was expecting to be out with him, thinking that since we date exclusively, he would choose to spend a special moment with me on his special day, right? Wrong. He was apparently out of the office all day on client-calls. PB happily talked to me and pointed out that if I was special, RL would have taken a leave from office and spend the day with me. I knew PB made sense. But I refused to acknowledge the fact. PB also asked me why I was keeping it with RL when it was obvious RL was neglecting me. Because I never dump, I wanted to scream. Anyhow, PB and I became good phone buddies. He even offered to pick me from school one day and we had dinner. Simply platonic and scary because it was the first time we met (I'm usually paranoid about meeting people alone).

In December of 1999, reality slapped me. RL said he will have to stop seeing me and blabbed men's foolish mantra "It's not you, it's me", what a fu***** as****e! It was PB who later on confessed that in truth, RL has a girlfriend since June...and it was the same girl I loathed so much. It was the girl who flirted, came to the office in almost see-through dresses and white underpants, and RL denied flirting back. PB said RL kept me because I was the kind RL could bring home to his mother. And the girlfriend? Was someone he brought home only when the parents were at work and the brothers were in school and she was some slutty girl who could easily leave a pair of thongs in his bed.

Of course I was angry. And PB was there to comfort me. He never left me even after I graduated from college in January 2000. He was there to drive me around prospective employers. He was a loyal friend. Until around May, he said he was starting to fall for me. PB said RL was so stupid to let me slip away. He was offering me something RL never had to guts to give. I refused because I couldn't give anything in return. I said I wasn't ready. And he was gone.

I thought he left because I couldn't love him back and he couldn't take it. Last night I was chatting with a friend...she said something about not lying and being fair. And suddenly, some repressed memories are remembered.

You see, my story with PB did not end with me saying I was not ready for a relationship. It ended when I happily told him the news about some guy I started to go out with. He reminded me that I told him I wasn't ready yet and we argued. And then he was truly gone.

RL hurt me so much that I did not realize how badly I hurt PB. It's not that I wasn't ready. I was being unfair by not telling him the truth that I did not see him as my significant other. I guess I was afraid to flat-out bust him since he has become a really good friend. But he left just the same.

PB left his card to mommy's assistant but I haven't had the guts to call him or send an sms. But realizing now why we drifted apart, I'm so ashamed I don't know if I should even say sorry.